This is a picture of me. In fact this is my greasy-haired official author photograph, taken by Faye in the back garden in Brentford. Eat your heart out, Ross Halfin.

I'm so pretty, oh so pretty...

Some people I met on the bus and felt sorry for.

Crater live at Eastwickbury II.

Seb and Reuben on the Isle of Wight ferry, ahoy.

This is a picture of my friend Owen - as you'll have gathered, a thesp of international repute.

It's Ace Frehley on the giant tuba.

My mother, relaxing at home.

Look it's 'Turf of Crater, paradiddling, even though he actually can't play drums for shit.

This is Snaggers, the bona fide Crater drummer - pretending he can read. See if you can spot his Venom concert video on the shelves in the background. And the dwarf porn.

Fucking hell it's Simon Bates.